Larry's Diary

I know is rude…reading someone’s diary…and what’s worse…I still blog about it…but I just can’t help it…forgive me! Larry! Is not personal! No hard feelings, ok? ^^

And the story goes like this…


Having the same topic about me again…never thought I’ll notice it…he thought that I’d turn up the volume of my mp3 to the max again…

I did…but I still hear voices even though the volume is on its highest level…

So…I heard each of every details of that conversation…it really makes me sad…but my tears have dried up for years…there was nothing much I can do…it wasn’t the first time he had this topic…

To him…my existence was nothing but a mere parasite that lived in his body…leeches every possible benefits from him that I can find as I still lurks around for these years…I was born as if he was forced to…trying to pass down his family’s name, I presumed…I’m a chewing gum…that sticks to his shoe as if he’s a pedestrian who was trying make way for his own path…it really pissed him off…having that gum on his shoe…

It wasn’t fair for me…

So I’d tried to get rid of myself several times before…before more innocents were involved in these matters…again…Obviously…I failed every time as I tempted to try…again and again…Bullshit…it looks really common or easy every time I read the daily newspaper…these cases are happening everyday…yet my time has not come…

My last try…it was…2006, March 16…I would record it every time before I “took off”…went to the highest floor…I was so sure that it would be a successful try that day…so ready for it…so calm while standing on the ledge…but everything changed as I made a call for Ms.Tan…

Slowly came down from there…then went to school as usual…but it wasn’t any usual…I wasn’t really in the good mood…avoiding from all my friends…still blaming myself for not taking that chance…all my classmates noticed it too that day…they noticed that I wasn’t happy that day…they tried to help…I’m really glad that at least someone tried…but…not even myself wanted to try saving myself…on the following day…I went to school as if I’m recovered…trying to be more optimistic…but deep down…so deep…in the very bottom of my heart…I knew that nothing much was changed…I’m just a drama king…wearing that fake smile on my face…

I’m really…lonely…I don’t have anyone to talk to…he took out his anger…his rage…on my best friend…I’m…alone...and my imaginary friend was completely murdered by Ms.Tan…for my own good, she said…it’ll cause some terrible hallucinations...it’s a matter of lives…and then she moved to Canada with her whole family…these fucking feelings are really making me sick…it wasn’t any simple sick anyone had…it’s more than a plain sick…is a curse…being somebody that you’re not…trying to be someone else…

My inner self says to myself everytime my mother tried to get to me…
“Just be more cautious of what you do next time…”

Yeah…you’re right…I think I know how cautious should I be…is easy…avoids him every time…like I didn’t exist from the very beginning…it won’t aggravates him…it’ll prevent bad things from happening…

“You know he loves you…”

Yeah…you’re right…I think I know how much he loves me…is obvious…he loves me every time…when you asked him to…you have his attentions…but I don’t…he listens to you…but not me…he forgives you…but not me…you have his loves…but none for me…

“Think about how much he’d spent in giving you good educations…”

Yeah…you’re right…I think I know how much he’d spent on a shit…I bet it really hurts him when he looks into his savings…wasted…

“Why can’t you just get along with your father?”

Trust me…even until now…writing this post…I still respect him from the infinite bottom of my bleeding scarred heart…because he’s my father…even though he dislike me…so…

I assume that you’ll understand…this is just some curse that just can’t be lifted…


The End.